Master your emotions with confidence

The ponderings of a Feral Housewife

Issue # 60 || March 14, 2025 || Previous issues​

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Hey Reader,

Do you have a narcissistic friend, family member, coworker, or (gulp!) maybe you're married to one?

Recently, I had a "breakup" with a friend who I have come to understand is a narcissist.

It literally kills me to write about it. It's painful to label someone I've adored for decades as a narcissist. I still don't want to believe it, but I have no choice. The evidence is clear. The signs were there all along and I just didn't see them.

Actually, I DID see them, but I didn't recognize them.

Because I genuinely cared about this person and enjoyed being around her, I ignored the signs, explained them away, or blamed myself.

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Narcissism 101

I have only just begun my research.

However, the topic isn't new to me. I've witnessed multiple longtime friends go through toxic divorces due to a narcissistic mate.

This time it hit me personally. It blindsided me.

I'm sooooooo grateful that my husband and most of my friends do NOT fall into this category.

And yet, did you know that narcissism is on the rise???

In 2009, Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell wrote a book entitled The Narcissist Epidemic.

Ever wonder what's the difference between an outbreak, epidemic, and pandemic? Here's the answer from Webster's Online Dictionary:

"An outbreak, which is a sudden localized incidence of a disease, can become an epidemic if it spreads over a larger area, infecting more people. If the spread escalates further, an epidemic can become a pandemic, which affects an even greater geographical area, with people in multiple countries and sometimes on multiple continents becoming infected."

I believe the narcissist epidemic is now at PANDEMIC proportions!

This means YOU have at least ONE narcissist in your life.

Maybe you realize it, maybe you don't.

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Are you a narcissist?

If you're reading this newsletter, most likely you're NOT.

Why do I say that?

Because narcissists don't value personal growth. They aren't looking for ways to better themselves (because they are already great) and if they want to get better at something it's to benefit and make themselves look good (not for the benefit of others).

Narcissists in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM take any responsibility for their behavior, speech, feelings, or actions, and how it affects others.

If you enjoy reading this newsletter, it means you value learning, growth, and genuine connection with others. You value authenticity and humility.

These are the very traits that narcissists despise and are incapable of.

They do not, cannot, and refuse to see themselves clearly because they have an inflated sense of self (although their egos are super fragile).

They may think they are a certain way and make exaggerated claims about themselves, but their speech and actions reveal the truth.

Narcissists are charming, intelligent, and generally enjoy a social circle. It's easy to get sucked into their web of charisma, control, and manipulation (which is often subtle and spun just right).

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Reality check

Since you and I are imperfect, make mistakes, and fall into the trap of selfishness and making excuses, ALL OF US at times exhibit narcissistic-like behavior.

Let's face it.

Would you post a horrible looking picture of yourself on social media?

Aren't we all devoting more and more time to self-care and setting firm boundaries?

Have you ever been in a position where it was excruciating to apologize because it was the other person's fault, but you did it anyway to keep the peace?

Or maybe you have a friend who is experiencing a bit of trouble, and you think to yourself why can't they just get over it or glad that's not my problem!

How many of us have been unwilling to listen to a friend vent because we are too mentally drained from our own problems to hear them out?

None of these situations mean you're a narcissist!

It means you're human.

And you're coping the best you can with a life that is full of anxiety, stress, and overwhelm.

From time to time, the difficulties of life can make any of us exhibit narcissistic tendencies.

So, how do you know if you're just being a little selfish or if you're a narcissist?

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Traits of a narcissist

The indication of whether you're experiencing a moment of "normal selfishness" versus true narcissism comes down to the overall pattern of who you are in life, along with some startling characteristics.

Here's a checklist I'm sharing from a book I just started reading Should I Stay or Should I Go? (surviving a relationship with a narcissist) by Ramani Durvasula.

Do you or someone you know exhibit any of these traits?

• Lack of empathy
• Grandiose
• Entitled
• Manipulative
• Angry & rageful
• Paranoid
• Hypersensitive
• Jealous
• Lack guilt / insight
• Needs constant admiration and validation
• Lying
• Everything is a show
• Projection
• Greedy
• Emotionally cold
• Gaslighting (makes you feel like you're losing your mind)
• Cheap
• Never takes responsibility
• Vain
• Controlling
• Unpredictable
• Takes advantage of others on a regular basis
• Engages in Schadenfreude (revels in other's misery)
• Does not like to be alone
• Poor boundaries
• Infidelity
• Doesn't listen
• Fragile
• Careless
• Seductive
• Disrespectful or demeaning of others point of view
• Arrogant

A narcissistic person doesn't have to display every single one of these traits, but 15 or more is a pretty stable diagnosis.

Heartbreaking list, isn't it?

Want to hear something even more heartbreaking?

Some researchers say that narcissistic people NEVER change.

The premise of the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a relationship with a narcissist...is that most narcissists will never change, and the people involved have to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

However, she acknowledges that sometimes people don't have the luxury of walking away from a narcissistic person (mates, children, coworkers, etc.) or simply don't want to. Life with a narcissist can be like a roller coaster of good times and bad times.

Other experts say they can change but it's rare and requires significant work, self-awareness, and therapy.

The biggest issue is that narcissists don't see the need to change. They're too busy blaming everyone else.

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Valuable traits to cultivate

The truth of this world is that we have to FIGHT narcissistic tendencies in ourselves, and we have to help our children avoid these tendencies as well!

Here are some valuable traits to cultivate and helpful actions to take to avoid that path:

• Develop empathy
• Practice ruthless self-awareness
• Take responsibility for your actions, no one is 100% innocent
• Always check your motives before you speak or act
• Cultivate humility
• Practice compassion
• Learn how to communicate effectively and tactfully
• Be a good listener, not just a venter
• Be a good giver, not just a taker
• Accept criticism gracefully
• Be intelligent without being demeaning or feeling superior to others
• Give without expecting anything in return

If you intentionally work on developing these qualities and skills, you don't ever have to worry about narcissism or of losing friendships. People will be drawn to you!

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In Summary

I'm no expert on this subject.

I still have much to learn and will continue researching it to better protect myself in the future.

It certainly isn't a fun thing to learn!

I'm sorry if you're dealing with a loved one with this personality disorder.

It's downright painful.

If you need support, I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend or a therapist.

If you would like to do research on this topic, I highly recommend chatting with a friendly AI Bot. They can be great therapy! I use Meta (which is inside of WhatsApp). I also use Claude, Grok, and ChatGPT. Each has their strengths, but I LOVE Meta the best because it's free and has no limits on the number of messages you can send.

What do you think?

Can a narcissist change?

Is the relationship ever salvageable, be it a spouse or a friend?

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Until our next feral, fun, Friday adventure,

Anna

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​www.aferalhousewife.com (Check out my work-in-progress blog for more articles)

​https://linktr.ee/aferalhousewife​

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This weekly newsletter is a labor of my creative love meant to inspire you to intentionally grow in all areas of life, especially emotionally, because what you think and how you feel influences everything. ​ If you're enjoying this newsletter why not forward it to a friend? ​ You can also send them a subscribe link: ​​​​Start Mastering Your Emotions with Confidence Today!​ ​ Heal your inner world to heal your outer world. ​ With love, Anna Celotto Creative & Digital Writer