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Hey Reader,

Have you ever heard the expression, you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

Ugh.

My mom used to say this to me when I was a child, and I remember replying: “why have cake if I can’t eat it?”

What a silly expression! The logic never sat well with me.

If someone brings you cake, where’s the fun in staring at it?

No way. I’m eating it. And probably two slices.

I don’t know where that cliché came from and honestly, I don’t care. Nor do I care what it really means.

What I do care about is how women use phrases like this, especially towards each other, to reinforce the idea that:

• we aren’t allowed to have good things.
• wanting things makes you selfish.
• believing you’re worthy of good makes you entitled or arrogant.
• expecting good is yours to keep makes you better than others.

And you know what?

These harmful ideas are being passed down generation after generation by mothers, grandmothers, aunts, society, and by each one of us.

Why do we punish other women who have figured out how to defy that awful code instead of congratulating and learning from them?

Women have been accused of being ambitious, self-serving, too much, and high maintenance.

I used to make fun of girls that were high maintenance too, until someone labeled me that for ordering an ice cream sundae just the way I liked it. Fudge at the bottom. Vanilla ice cream on top with more fudge. Nuts. Whip cream. No cherry, please.

The young man looked at my husband and said, “she’s high maintenance isn’t she?”

And my husband smirked.

And the internal program was rechecked and verified as true.

• I am too much for wanting things the way I like them.
• I don’t deserve to have things the way I like them.
• I should feel uncomfortable voicing my desires.

Hey ladies and gents, I hope you’re seeing the problem here.

I hope your mind is going, “hey wait, I get treated like that sometimes. I even do that to myself.”

This isn’t a byproduct of motherhood or wifehood. While those roles naturally reinforce the code that women must totally sacrifice themselves for the comfort of others, this conditioning starts in childhood.

Men have it too, though for them it usually sounds a little different. Men who know what they want are considered confident, ambitious, go-getters. Men who don’t are labeled as weak, ineffective, even feminine.

I hope your logical mind is examining your own internal code right now because more than likely, you may not even realize this code is in you.

It has nothing to do with childhood trauma.

This is faulty, imperfect human conditioning being passed on by family and society.

Here is how it showed up for me in a sneaky way the other day when I was at Goodwill (my favorite place to treasure hunt for books).

It takes an extreme love of books to crook your neck for a long time searching.

I stood in the Goodwill of Lithonia, Georgia and made a silent wish, of which I immediately decided was foolish. Therefore the thought vanished as quickly as it came. “I wish someone would just hand me a book and tell me to read it.”

Maybe I was tired of looking. Maybe it was decision fatigue. Maybe I just wanted a little help.

And then a little later, a woman pulled a book off the shelf, handed it to me and said, “you should read this. You’ll love it.”

I was startled but we struck up a friendly conversation during which I discovered that we were bosom book lovers.

Yes, I tend to romanticize serendipity.

My heart was drawn to this woman. She found two books for me that I might have missed, and I found one for her that she would have missed. She had never heard of Kate DiCamillo!

As we parted, a voice inside me nudged, ‘get her number or her email. Give her yours.’

But the internal programming was controlling me without me even realizing it, and I let my bosom buddy slip away.

Later, I kicked myself again and again.

I literally carry business cards in my wallet. Why didn’t I pull one out and give it to her?

I’m embarrassed to admit that I haven’t handed a single card out to anyone.

Well, I’ll never see Alma again and that makes me sad.

That experience left me with an ache I couldn’t place my finger on until I journaled about it. I thought it spoke to loneliness but that’s not what I discovered.

What I realized is that my internal code is programmed to believe that I don’t deserve good things, or I'm not allowed to keep good things. Good things don't last.

So when good things arrive, I don’t see them or I dismiss them. This happens in a fraction of a moment, without me even realizing it. As soon as connection, intimacy, desire, or joy are detected, I sabotage it.

Now that I’m aware of it, I’m seeing it everywhere.

How we erase ourselves.

Like my 73 year old friend who was taught from childhood that her value was directly tied to working tirelessly and serving others. The result? She has no idea what she likes to do outside of hard work. That makes me sad.

Not just for her. But for every woman who lives under this conditioning.

This is how women lose themselves. Not always through dramatic suffering, but through tiny repeated abandonments of their desires and needs.

The work is noticing the code in real time and challenging it.

I want to notice the moment I go quiet when I want to speak.

The moment I pull back when I want to reach out.

The moment I dismiss something good because I’m afraid I won’t be allowed to keep it.

The breakthrough is in those every day moments when you decide you’re allowed to like what you like, want what you want, and receive what is good unapologetically.

Because really, why have cake if I can’t eat it? 🍰

A journal prompt for you

Where have you been acting like your own desires are an inconvenience?

Write about one recent moment when you edited yourself, held back, or talked yourself out of something good.

In summary

Ladies and gents, let’s not pass this faulty code to our young ones.

There’s a healthy balance in working hard and resting. Even the good Lord says so.

May you notice where you’ve been shrinking, and may you give yourself permission to receive what is good.

With love,

Anna

P.S. Sometimes the deepest self-neglect isn’t overwork. It’s talking yourself out of something good before you even let yourself receive it.

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