The Feral Housewife's Guide to

Living Authentically, Creatively, & Intentionally

Issue #89 || October 10, 2025 || Previous issues​

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Hey Reader,

Why do certain childhood memories seem to pop up out of nowhere?

Do they mean something?

Or are they random, unpredictable clips that surface the way movie quotes or song lyrics do?

I don't think they're random.

I believe they're clues to our inner world—pointing us toward the deeply held beliefs and stories we formed about ourselves when we were children.

Stories we're still living by, even now.

Hidden in your subconscious are beliefs about your worth, your needs, your place in the world. And whether you realize it or not, that nine-year-old version of you is still making decisions in your behalf.

Let me tell you about a memory that surfaced for me this week and what I learned from it.

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Even a nine-year-old can decide they're not worth it

When I was nine our family went to Italy to visit relatives.

My super-cool, loving auntie wanted to buy me a present so she took me to a jewelry store and said I could pick out anything I wanted. The price didn't matter. She urged me to get whatever I wanted. Italians love gold!

I narrowed it down to two pieces—one I absolutely loved and the other I just sort of liked. I struggled to choose because the one my heart yearned for was MORE expensive.

Which one would you have chosen?

Which one do you think I chose?

Yep, you guessed it.

I chose the cheaper one.

I walked out of that store secretly yearning for what I left behind and yet I believed I made the "right" decision. The responsible decision. The one that wouldn't burden anyone, especially my aunt's wallet.

I was grateful to her and happy that my aunt was happy. (I kept my feelings safely hidden from everyone).

Reflecting back on the choice I made that day is a wake up call. I was deeply conditioned at a young age to believe my wants weren't important. That the needs of others must come first. I couldn't accept a gift, even when someone was begging me to take it.

At nine years old, I had already learned I wasn't worth it.

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The conditioning starts earlier than you think

If you're a woman reading this, I'm willing to bet you have your own jewelry store moment.

Maybe you were younger than nine. Maybe it wasn't about money—maybe it was about not wanting to be "difficult" or "demanding" or "selfish."

Maybe you learned to make yourself small so others could be comfortable.

Maybe you learned that your needs came last on a very long list.

And here's the thing😉: we thought we were doing the right thing. We felt good about choosing the cheaper, lesser option, about not causing trouble, about being the "easy" kid or the "considerate" one.

We got praised for it. We internalized it.

Those moments became the blueprints for how we'd show up in the world for the next thirty, forty, fifty years.

We learned:

• Our needs are negotiable
• Other people's comfort matters more than our wants
• Wanting things makes us selfish or greedy
• We should always choose the "responsible" option over the joyful one
• Taking up space or being "too much" is bad

So we spent decades performing. (I hate that word!)

You are the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother, the good employee. Putting everyone else first. Running on autopilot.

Until one day, something shifts.

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When autopilot stops working

Maybe it's menopause.

Maybe the kids leave home.

Maybe you get sick, or burned out, or you finally slow down enough to realize you've been running on empty for years.

Maybe you just wake up one day and think, "Who in the world am I?" 🤷‍♀️

Because you've been on autopilot—doing what you're "supposed" to do and being who everyone needs you to be—you haven't developed a strong sense of who you actually are underneath all those roles.

What happens when those roles shift or disappear?

When you can't just keep performing and producing and pleasing?

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That's when the "identity crisis" hits.

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You don't know what you want.

You've been so busy meeting everyone else's needs that you forgot you even have needs.

Your inner child is strong and in control, still choosing the cheaper option, still believing she's not worth it.

But here's the good news: once you can see it, you can start to change it.

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How to identify your core beliefs

These deeply ingrained beliefs about your worth, your needs, and your place in the world are operating in the background, driving your decisions without you realizing it.

Here's how to start bringing them into the light 🔦:

1. Notice your automatic responses

Pay attention to the moments when you:

• Quickly say "I'm fine" when someone asks how you are
• Talk yourself out of things you want before anyone even says no
• Feel guilty for spending money on yourself
• Apologize for taking up space or having needs
• Choose the "practical" option when your heart wants something else

These are your conditioning showing up in real time.

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2. Track the "shoulds"

Keep track of every time you think or say "I should..."

• "I should be able to handle this"
• "I should want this"
• "I should be grateful"
• "I should do it myself"

Every "should" is pointing to a belief about who you're supposed to be. Whose voice is that, really? Your mother's? Father's? Society's? Religion's?

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3. Look for patterns in your decisions

Think about the last few times you:

• Declined something you wanted
• Chose something for practical reasons over what would bring you joy
• Put someone else's needs before your own

What was the thought that made you choose that way?

Write it down. That's your core belief talking.

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4. Go back to childhood

Like my jewelry store moment, our early memories can help us identify our beliefs in action.

Journal about:

• Times you remember being praised for being "good" (what did "good" mean?)
• Times you got in trouble for wanting too much or being too loud or taking up space
• What your parents modeled about self-sacrifice, especially if you're a woman watching your mother

These memories hold clues to the origin stories of your limiting beliefs.

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How to challenge beliefs holding you back

Once you can see your core beliefs clearly, you can start questioning them. Here's how:

1. Test them against reality

Take one of your beliefs (like "wanting things is selfish") and ask:

• Is this actually true, or is it just something I learned?
• Would I judge a friend for wanting what I want?
• What's the actual evidence for this belief?
• Who benefits from me believing this?

Often, when we examine our beliefs in the daylight, they fall apart pretty quickly.

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2. Find the exceptions

Think of times when you did choose yourself and nothing terrible happened. When you said no. When you spent the money. When you took up space. The world didn't end, did it?

Your brain loves patterns. Give it a new pattern to work with.

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3. Rewrite the story

Let's go back to my jewelry store moment and imagine it differently together.

What would it have looked like if I had chosen what I actually wanted? Would my aunt have been angry? Would I have been greedy or selfish?

Rewrite your own 'jewelry store' origin story with compassion for that younger version of you.

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4. Practice the opposite

Start small. Choose one tiny area where you can practice going against your conditioning:

• Order what you actually want at a restaurant instead of the cheapest thing
• Say "no" to one request this week without explaining
• Buy yourself something just because it brings you joy
• Take up space without apologizing

Watch what happens. (Spoiler: usually nothing bad. But your nervous system will need proof.)

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Moving forward without waiting for permission

Here's what I've learned: you can understand your conditioning intellectually, you can see your patterns clearly, you can even start challenging your beliefs—and still, that nine-year-old might show up and choose the cheaper option.

Healing isn't linear. Some days you'll feel strong and worthy. Other days you'll slide right back into old patterns.

So how do you actually move forward?

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1. Stop waiting to feel ready

You'll never feel 100% ready to choose yourself. You'll never feel completely comfortable taking up space. The discomfort is part of it. Do it anyway.

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2. Give yourself permission

Since we were trained to wait for permission, sometimes we just need to explicitly give it to ourselves:

• I give myself permission to want things
• I give myself permission to rest without earning it
• I give myself permission to say no
• I give myself permission to be "too much"

Say it out loud. Write it down. Make it real.

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3. Practice radical self-compassion

When you catch yourself sliding back into old patterns (and you will), don't shame yourself.

Your inner child was doing her best with what she knew. You're doing your best now too. The work isn't about being perfect.

It's about noticing, questioning, and slowly—slowly—learning that you're always worth it.

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A Therapeutic Journaling Prompt

Find a quiet space. Set a timer for 15 minutes and write your answers to these questions:

Part 1: The Origin Describe a specific childhood memory where you learned that your needs, wants, or feelings weren't as important as someone else's. Be as detailed as possible—where were you, how old were you, what did you choose, how did you feel? How do you feel about it now?

Part 2: The Pattern How does that same belief show up for you today? Where are you still choosing the "cheaper option" instead of what you actually want? Be specific.

Part 3: The Rewrite If you could talk to that younger version of yourself, what would you say? What does she need to hear? And then—imagine the scene differently. What would've happened if you'd chosen what you wanted? Write it out like a new ending to an old story.

Part 4: The Practice What's one small, concrete way you can practice choosing yourself this week? Something that scares you a little but is doable. Write it down. Commit to it.

You were worth it then. You're worth it now.

The only difference is: now you get to decide.

If this newsletter resonated with you, I'd love to hear about your "jewelry store moment."

Hit reply and tell me your story.

With Intention, Creativity, and Love,

Anna

P.S. If you know someone who needs to read this today, please forward it to them. Sometimes we need permission to start choosing ourselves—consider this your permission slip.

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I'm Anna—a recovering perfectionist, sassy housewife, and therapeutic journaling coach helping overwhelmed women ditch the guilt, drop the "do it all" myth, and figure out who they are underneath all the roles. What you think and how you feel influences everything—and most of us have been on autopilot, ignoring both for way too long. ​ Write. Feel. Heal. Anna Celotto Writer & Integrative Mind-Body Coach