Master your emotions with confidence

The ponderings of a Feral Housewife

Issue #70 || May 23, 2025 || Previous issues

Hey Reader,

How's your week been?

I hope you're ready to put your sassy pants 👖 on.

I'm about to challenge a popular belief about empathy.

Ready?

First, we'll dive into what empathy is.

What's empathy?

How many times have you heard: put yourself in someone else's shoes?

Empathy is the ability to understand and feel someone's emotions as if you're experiencing them too.

Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone's troubles whereas empathy is feeling their sorrow as your own.

Empathy sounds so much better for feeling connected to another person, doesn't it?

Not so fast!

What if instead of being a good thing, empathy leads to dysfunction?

What if empathy makes you (and the object of your empathy) feel stuck instead of better?

What if empathy has a dark side?

The dark side of empathy

Let's pretend your child burns his finger on a hot stove 🔥.

Sympathy for your child might sound like = I'm sorry you got hurt, go get a Band-Aid.

Empathy might look like this = Let me touch the hot stove so I can feel your pain and we can both be miserable. (Because hey, misery loves company, right?)

Ok, slight exaggeration. You wouldn't literally touch the stove, right?

Probably not.

But hear me out.

What's the real difference between sympathy and empathy?

Sympathy acknowledges the pain.

Empathy feels the pain—sometimes so deeply, it tricks the brain into believing your pain is my pain.

Empaths! I'm seeing you!

I used to be one (and still wrestle with it).

Empaths are the sensitive, intuitive people with vivid imaginations. We literally TAKE ON the feelings of others. Like sponges, 🧽 we absorb and feel emotions at a deeper level.

No wonder empaths experience:

-higher anxiety

-blurred boundaries

-overwhelm

-emotional fatigue

The truth about feelings

Here's the thing.

If feelings aren't facts, why would you want to absorb someone else's feelings?

If feelings aren't facts, why would you want to give feelings more power than necessary?

If feelings aren't facts, why would we deliberately reinforce those feelings in another person?

Where's the sense in that?

Feelings are indicators that point us to the beliefs and stories shaping how we see the world — some true, some not so much.

This is where empathy gets tricky.

Feelings are NOT who you are.

"Feelings are emotional responses to what you perceive is happening to you—either in the moment, in the past, or even in your imagination." (ChatGPT)

When we treat every emotion as gospel, we risk enabling people and encourage wallowing in self-pity or victimhood—instead of helping them move forward.

By over empathizing you risk allowing your child or friend to get stuck in their internal story versus accepting reality.

If someone’s spinning in self-pity, saying, “Oh, you poor thing, that must feel awful” without gently nudging them toward action or perspective can cement their victim mindset.

Am I saying we should never empathize with someone?

Not at all.

The sweet spot

As I was researching the dark side of empathy, I came across two concepts that I LOVE:

Tough empathy

and

Compassionate detachment.

A blend of these two concepts is the SWEET SPOT for parents and empaths to learn how to practice.

Let's see how that looks in the story of your child touching the hot stove.

Since ChatGPT nailed it perfectly, I'm posting here exactly what it said.

🔥 The Hot Stove, Revisited

Your child touches a hot stove and bursts into tears.

You rush over—but instead of panicking, mirroring their distress, or minimizing it, you respond with clear-hearted care:

“Ouch! That hurts, doesn’t it? Come here—let’s run it under cold water.”
(Tough empathy: You're present, calm, and taking action. You're not ignoring the pain, but you're not drowning in it either.)

As they sniffle and cling to you, you continue:

“Now you know why I always say the stove is hot. This is a hard way to learn—but you’re learning. You’ll remember next time.”
(Compassionate detachment: You’re not guilt-tripping or over-comforting. You’re acknowledging their growth process—and letting them sit with the natural consequence.)

Then you finish with:

“I’m right here with you—but I can’t feel it for you. You’re strong, and you’ll heal.”
(This reinforces resilience and agency, while still offering love.)

Why this Works (Especially for Empaths)

If you’re naturally an emotional sponge, this approach helps you:

Stay emotionally present without absorbing the child’s pain
Provide real comfort without rescuing them from natural consequences
Model self-regulation and strength instead of co-suffering

You're not cold. You're not coddling.

You're anchored—and that’s exactly what a hurting child (or adult) needs most.

Thanks ChatGPT! I couldn't have said it better 👋.

Here's a quick recap:

-Empathy connects us, but too much can overwhelm.

-Feelings aren’t facts — they’re signals to understand.

-The sweet spot: show up with tough empathy + compassionate detachment — care without losing yourself.

Your turn sassy people!

Have you ever caught yourself soaking up someone else’s drama like a human sponge?

What did you do about it—or what do you WISH you’d done?

I’m all ears—reply and tell me everything.

I read every reply.

Until our next feral, fun, Friday adventure,

Anna

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This weekly newsletter is a labor of my creative love meant to inspire you to intentionally grow in all areas of life, especially emotionally, because what you think and how you feel influences everything.

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Heal your inner world to heal your outer world.

With love,

Anna Celotto

Creative & Digital Writer

Master Your Emotions with Confidence

Empathy’s dark side—why you need to stop feeling everything (+ try this unique approach instead)