Master your emotions with confidence

The ponderings of a Feral Housewife

Issue #65 || April 18, 2025 || Previous issues​

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Hey Reader,

How many conversations have you had these past few weeks in which one (or both) of you have ended up in tears? 🙋‍♀️

I've lost count.

Just about everyone I talk to these days is struggling with something.

Something heavy. Something painful. Something traumatic or sad. Or all of the above.

The tears flow liberally,

The tears come without wanting or warning, and that's ok.

They need to come.

We need a release, and we especially need comfort and hope.

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How NOT to comfort

I had tearful conversations with a new friend last week.

She opened up about traumatic events in her life. It was heartbreaking.

I learned something super important during our conversations that I don't want to forget, and I'd like to share with you.

It's advice you and I have heard many times but for some reason her experience really brought the value and truth of the advice to the fore for me.

We know we should be kind, loving, supportive, helpful, and be good listeners.

But we don't always know HOW to do those things.

Or

We think we're doing those things but end up actually saying or doing things that cause the other person more pain. (Our intentions may be good, but our speech and actions could be wrong.)

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Has that ever happened to you?

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Have you ever had a friend vent or look to you for comfort and you felt the pressure to say the right thing because you wanted to soothe their pain?

Have you ever vented to a friend or cried "on someone's shoulder" only to have that person give you unsolicited advice or say things that devalue your emotions or pain? Like-

Things could be worse.

Or

It's ok it didn't work out; it wasn't meant to be.

Or

Don't worry, something better will come along.

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Have you ever said things like these?

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I know I have!

I cringe over the many thoughtless things I've said over the years in my efforts to be "helpful".

Who knows how many other times I've said things without realizing how I made the other person feel!

I'm not saying it's never a good idea to give advice or to reciprocate with your trauma stories, but it takes wisdom and discernment to know when and how. (Usually, when someone is suffering- it's NOT a good idea).

Our goal here isn't to feel terrible about all the times we said or did the wrong thing.

The goal is to ask; What is the best way I can comfort someone in need?

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The only right way to comfort

I really love this tip because it's simple, requires very little effort or thought on our part, and it works, EVERY TIME.

The only right thing to ever say when comforting someone no matter the situation is: I'm sorry you're going through this.

You could vary it along these lines:

-That must have been terrible.

-That must be so difficult for you.

-I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

That's it!

You DO NOT need to say anything poetic or clever. BUT you do need to be sincere!

It's NOT your responsibility to fix their problems or make them feel better.

Do you know why these simple phrases work?

Because these phrases acknowledge and validate their pain.

You're allowing the person to feel and own their emotions.

People who accurately express, feel, and own their negative emotions do a better job at releasing them (so negative emotions don't get stuck in the body and wreak havoc).

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What to do if you need comfort

On the flip side, let's say you're experiencing something traumatic, and you open up to a friend.

What if they say and do the "wrong" things?

What if they make you feel worse?

Do you have a responsibility in this situation?

Yes!

I know. I know.

You're already suffering, the last thing you want is to be teaching people how to help you.

But the reality is-people need to be taught, and they won't learn if no one ever says anything.

Everyone has a responsibility to help each other.

If someone is saying or doing things to "comfort" you but it's backfiring, you need to speak up!

Teach people how to help you. You're actually paying it forward to the next person they comfort :).

This can be done by responding in 2 simple ways.

-Thank you, but _____________isn't helpful to me right now.

Or

-What I really need (from you) right now is ____________.

Insert what would actually be helpful to you. Most people desiring to help but don't know how.

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Your action tips

When you're giving comfort: stop trying to be clever, poetic, or soothing. Sincerely validate their emotions with phrases like I'm sorry or That must be terrible.

The idea is to talk less and listen more.

Also, don't make painful situations be about you or project your insecurities or beliefs on your friends or loved ones Just be supportive and give practical help if needed.

Also, don't insist on your way or take offense at how people behave in traumatic situations. You may not have or be entitled to all of the facts.

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When you're in need of comfort: tell people exactly what you need so they don't have to guess. I just need to vent. I could use some solitude. I'd love a simple meal, etc.

Give people the benefit of the doubt even if they don't always say the right things. Know that they mean well and are just trying to help, so let it go if you can.

If the thoughtless comments or actions are truly hurtful, then a simple response could be, I appreciate what you're trying to say (or do), but that's not helping me right now. Here's what I need instead.

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In Summary

You NEVER know what someone has been through or is going through.

Our responsibility is to be loving and kind all the time, no matter what!

You'll never go wrong.

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Until our next feral, fun, Friday adventure,

Anna

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​www.aferalhousewife.com​

​https://linktr.ee/aferalhousewife​

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This weekly newsletter is a labor of my creative love meant to inspire you to intentionally grow in all areas of life, especially emotionally, because what you think and how you feel influences everything. ​ If you're enjoying this newsletter why not forward it to a friend? ​ You can also send them a subscribe link: ​​​​Start Mastering Your Emotions with Confidence Today!​ ​ Heal your inner world to heal your outer world. ​ With love, Anna Celotto Creative & Digital Writer